The term ‘conscious uncoupling’ is everywhere since Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin decided to separate. But what does this trendy new term actually mean?
Many relationships end; it is a sad reality. Conscious uncoupling accepts a relationship has run its course. It accepts the myriad of difficult feelings that crash in at this time. In basic terms, conscious uncoupling simply means to practice emotional maturity and resilience.
To practice conscious uncoupling, couples make a positive commitment to close their relationship without causing further harm to each other, and especially to their children. This may not be easy – it takes genuine commitment and maturity. The following tips may help.
Five steps to achieve conscious uncoupling
1) Accept the relationship is over; do not dwell on who did what. If necessary, difficult feelings can be worked through in therapy. Adopt a helicopter stance – this means not descending into the territory of mudslinging. Instead, focus on the practicalities needed to design a new life for both of you. It is not about winning a war with your ex. It is about surviving now in order to thrive in future.
2) Be thankful for the positives that occurred in the relationship. The fact that it has gone sour does not remove or reduce the positive experiences that occurred along the way. Perhaps the end of the relationship is a sign that there are new challenges and opportunities for self-fulfilment ahead.
3) Make good decisions about the children, and don’t use the children to score points. When children are caught in the middle of a parental turf war, their emotional health is harmed, sometimes permanently. By consciously uncoupling, you are showing your children that difficult issues can be resolved without bitter dispute. This is very powerful modelling.
4) Accept that your relationship is over, but you remain parents to your children.
5) Consider using mediation and/or psychotherapy to enable progress when things get tough.
In essence, the term conscious uncoupling is an on-trend term for using emotional maturity during the divorce or separation process. The theory behind conscious uncoupling isn’t a passing fad – just a new description of the mature and emotionally intelligent way to work through the end of a relationship.
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Written by Dr Chrissie Tizzard, Chartered Consultant Psychologist, PsychD, BSc, MSc, C.Psychol, C.Sci, AFBPS. Dr Tizzard is the Clinical Director of Christine Tizzard Psychology (ctpsy.co.uk).