Back to School Tips for Children with Autism

Autism matters – Back to school tips

Autism can cause stress to parents. The return to school after the Summer holidays is difficult for most.  Many pupils experience varying amounts of anxiety as do their parents. Children with autism often find change unmanageable. The return to school is no exception.

These simple tips shared with parents over many years really do help ease autism symptoms.

1. Re-establish a connection with school

Try to set up a meeting with staff where you can build on and develop the existing relationship. Your relationship with the school team is crucial to your child’s wellbeing.

See if you are able to visit school with your child before the official start day.  The purpose is to learn about new things. These might be locker combinations, the timetable, the dining hall, etc.  New ‘things’ and ‘places’ are usually overwhelming to a child with autism.

Buy uniform early and wash many times. Many children with a diagnosis of autism are very sensitive to new fabrics and prefer the feel of worn fabric. Reducing sensory overload reduces the likelihood of meltdowns.

Once you have the ‘knowledge’, you can practice new skills at home with your child. Social stories are a really useful tool.

2.  Start the switch from holiday routine to school routine early

Write the date of the new school term on your child’s calendar, (a visual aid really helps adjustment).  Practice the journey in the car, on the bus or train.   This includes finding a regular parking spot and even an alternative for the days when you are unable to park in the usual place. Make a chart for these patterns/activities and involve your child in the making of the chart. These tips may seem annoying but it is worth it. Once a routine is established and becomes familiar, the stress will reduce.  Attention to the finer details makes for a smoother transition back to school.   The trick is to make the new routine familiar.   This will lessen the possibility of meltdowns on the first day of term.

It is important to allow roughly 10 days to get your child into the school day ‘wake up’ routine.  On the first day of preparation, set the alarm clock for a little earlier in the morning. Get your child into uniform and to eat breakfast. It’s fine for him or her to go back to bed afterwards.   Over several days move the wake up time gradually closer to ‘school morning wake up time’.   A positive reward like a glass of fresh orange juice or his/her favourite cereal will help during this practice period.

3. Help your child’s friendships

Many children with autism have very restricted interests.   Despite this, they are likely to have an interest that is shared by some of the other children.   Do your homework.   Make sure that you send your child into school equipped with something that will draw the interest of other children. If this seems too difficult, it’s worth asking your child’s form teacher for help. Work at maintaining these relationships.

4. Stay upbeat when living with autism

Living with autism often feels overwhelming. It is very easy to dwell on past events and worry about ‘another’ school year. The beginning of term is an adjustment for everyone in the house, especially caregivers. Remaining positive really helps. Spoil yourself a little!

5. Acknowledge reality might not be as rehearsed

Remember that sometimes even rehearsed events don’t go to plan. Talk to your child about this possibility. Develop a strategy with your child which may be used at such times. Share this strategy with your child’s teacher or support worker.  This will provide a sense of base to your child when he or she feels most unsafe.

For more information on autism in school, see the National Autistic Society.

Written by Dr Chrissie Tizzard, Chartered Consultant Psychologist. To find out about autism assessments and psychological support through Christine Tizzard Psychology, see our Treetops Autism page.

 

Exam Results Not Good? How to Move Forward

If your exam results aren’t good, it can feel like the end of the world. We’re here to reassure you there are ways to move forward and take control, making the best of your future without branding yourself a failure. At Christine Tizzard Psychology, we often use the CALM approach to success, which can make a real difference at such a difficult time for a young person.

Symptoms of stress emerge when we feel out of control – when our plan or road map suddenly does not work as expected. Getting a lower than expected exam grade is the perfect example, as it can change the plans we had in place for further study or perhaps a job offer based on achieving certain results.

When we do not have a Plan B, most of us feel lost. To get back in control and kick the stress, we need a good strategy that won’t fail.

It may feel like your future has just been flushed down the pan, but we promise you this is complete rubbish. It is an unpleasant feeling that you are registering, not a fact, but this can be hard to see at the time.

Your brain may try to tell you the emotions you feel (of sadness, anger and distress) prove that you are a failure or a bad student, even if there is evidence to suggest this is wrong, such as good previous grades, staffing problems at school, or an illness or personal problem affecting your ability to concentrate. In psychology, we call this process emotional reasoning: you ignore the facts that go against your emotions, and you take those emotions as though they were facts.

We are all liable to go into emotional reasoning rather than cognitive thinking at times, but emotional reasoning can sometimes be really painful and lead to depression.

Right now, you need a cognitive strategy to feel in control again. I use the acronym of CALM with my clients; it’s not rocket science, but it works. Try this simple four-point plan to get back in control and feel better fast:

 Chill out

 Act later

 Look at ALL options

 Move forward from a power position

Using the CALM Method for Exam Results Stress

Chill Out

When you find out that your grades were not what you wanted, try to stay calm. Emotions usually become far too heated. There is anger and then tears: yours and your parents’.  Remember, you are NOT your exam grades, and those grades are a reflection of one particular moment or a piece of coursework.

Try to chill out – do some gentle exercise such as swimming, rest, or take a trip locally. Do something nice that has nothing to do with your exams. Don’t binge on alcohol or other substances; they only cloud your thinking and invite depression.

Remember you may be upset, but how much of this is your own pain, and how much belongs to other people? The chances are that you have picked up on other people’s expectations of you: teachers, friends and parents, who all have an interest in your results. Part of that interest is altruistic, but some may really be more about them. If you get good grades, then they feel a great teacher, a good study partner or a proud parent with brilliant genes. They may have pushed you to take a certain subject that just wasn’t your thing. The truth is, what happens now is about YOU and YOU alone. Look after you, not other people’s egos.

Act Later

Acting on impulse while stressed is a pretty sure-fire recipe that any decisions made will be all wrong. Sit with it. You can endure the distress; it will be temporary. It will pass.

In the meantime, it may help to put things in context: the new numerical GCSE system introduced in 2018 is said to be tougher than the previous system, because exam papers contain questions for the new top tier grade 9 students who perform better than at the old A* level. This means most students will have been baffled by some exam questions altogether, because only a tiny percentage of students would get them right. Course content also changed a lot, so teachers didn’t have long to prepare you for new modules.

You may have had to take 20-30 different exams, which is a lot for any young person: some subjects even dropped their coursework elements in favour of yet more tests, which meant more revision for you. If you tend to perform better at coursework than in an exam environment where your memory is tested, it’s only natural that your grades will shift as a result.

Look at All the Options

After you have had a period of calm, possible courses of action will come to mind. This happens far more easily than if you’ve tried to force the issue and made a split-second decision about your future. Your brain will be in a much better position to build a solution-focused plan after a rest.

Write down your options:

a) Is it a retake or a resit? Do you want the paper remarked? How do you find out if this may be possible?

b) Is it a change of course?  If so, what might be possible? Who do you need to speak to, email, telephone? Construct a simple flowchart and reach out to the people that can help.

c) Take positive action. This is not the time to be destructive or lash out at those trying to help.

Move Forward

Now move confidently forward, knowing that the plan is sustainable and achievable. Remember the saying: ‘Good sailors don’t try to change the weather, they simply adjust their sails’.

It may sound strange, but there are benefits to failing at something. Being able to adjust to situations that were not planned can be a powerful lesson in developing coping strategies.

Life rarely goes to plan. We need to be able to adapt and develop the ability to change direction when needed. In years to come, you will look back on this experience and see how much you’ve grown because of it.

Media Perception of Exam Results Stress

It is important to note that the media have a vested interested in reporting sad stories, because they sell papers and get click-through rates online. Most people who do not achieve expected grades do not self-harm or commit suicide, contrary to what is reported by the press. Those that do harm themselves  usually already have a serious depression or other mental health disorder. However, traditional media and social media focus on these stories without understanding those underlying issues.

It is stressful to fail your exams, but it is not traumatic; there is a huge difference. When trauma strikes nothing will ever be the same. Trauma does not offer a second chance. In contrast, this is just a setback – think of it as a bump in the road, not a sink-hole. Life can and will go on; dreams can still be achieved.

Need More Help?

Most people will get rid of these negative feelings over time, and once a new plan is in place. But if you can’t shake the upset and you feel very low, you should:

• Talk to someone whose judgement you trust: they will give your perspective on the issue. If there is nobody you feel able to speak to, try speaking to a counsellor (Childline offers this online) or Young Minds.
• The important thing is to talk about your fears. Don’t bottle them up. You will find many people have gone through similar situations and they can reassure you it is normal.
• If you feel suicidal or have thoughts about self-harm, you must speak to your GP (or out of hours service), call NHS 111 or talk to the Samaritans by calling 116 123. If the situation becomes critical and you cannot reach your GP, visit your local A&E department or call 999.

This is not the end of your future but the start of your next chapter – embrace it.

Written by Dr Chrissie Tizzard, Chartered Consultant Psychologist, PsychD, BSc, MSc, C.Psychol, C.Sci, AFBPS. Dr Tizzard is the Clinical Director of Christine Tizzard Psychology (ctpsy.co.uk). 

Autism: Recipe for Avoiding Holiday Hell

When your child has a diagnosis of autism, holiday hell can come easily. Avoiding holiday hell is something all parents want to do, but there are extra challenges to face when your autistic child faces potential sensory overload.

This is true whether it’s a pod in Padstow, a gite in Gironde, or even staying at home, as the routine of school has been broken by the onset of the holidays.

The fact is, children with autism find change overwhelming; totally so.  Feeling overwhelmed leads to meltdowns, and meltdowns lead to parental hell.  Some of the pressure of holiday hell can be avoided through using Social Stories^TM  – a specialist technique developed in the nineties by Carol Gray.

Social Stories^TM is a very specialised way of writing with or without illustrations to explain something that will happen in the future to a child.  These stories can be easily written by parents. Writing a story should not be seen as a quick fix but, when prepared carefully, a story can lessen a child’s sense of feeling overwhelmed.

Holiday Planning with Social Stories^TM

For instance, a family plans a holiday to Cornwall. A story written several weeks before the trip begins can provide a secure base and a snippet of the future.  This is soothing to your child.  The story should include your child as it’s central character.  The central character could even be your child’s current role model.

The story should describe the holiday place and what the accommodation will look like. If it seems a bit boring to you, chances are, it will contain sufficient detail to calm your child. Spending time together on Google Earth is also a smart tip, to familiarise you both with the way the streets, landscape and buildings will appear. Of course, if you have a friend or relative who has already been to the same destination, you can ask them for holiday photos or videos to show your child.

Your story should include a plan of the activities the family will do, the fun it’ll be, and a mention of your child’s desired behaviour. If you mention trying new foods, start to gently introduce them in and around story time, and incorporate them into the narrative and pictures.

Done well in advance of the holiday, this story will allow your child to develop a mental map of the future. It will remove a large degree of sudden sensory information that often leads to overload.

Quick Tips for Going on Holiday with an Autistic Child

• Create a short-term countdown calendar to mark the days until the holiday begins. Add pictures to help your child familiarise themselves with the destination.
• Many tourist destinations, such as beaches and nature reserves, have webcam feeds which you can view ahead of the holiday.
• Should you be going by plane, train or ferry, do some research on autism-friendly spaces in terminals and stations, and pre-book any special assistance you might need.  Airports offering extra advice and support include Birmingham, Gatwick and Manchester; Newcastle Airport offers an ‘Autism Passport’ to bring with you.
• If your child wants to get involved in packing and planning, this is something you can practice together.
• When the trip begins, have a selection of your child’s favourite objects to hand, which they can use to cope with the challenge of a new environment.
• Remember the three Ps –  Preparation Prevents Panic!

Written by Dr Chrissie Tizzard, Chartered Consultant Psychologist, PsychD, BSc, MSc, C.Psychol, C.Sci, AFBPS. Dr Tizzard is the Clinical Director of Christine Tizzard Psychology (ctpsy.co.uk). 

PTSD Triggers - The Known and Unknown

 

It had been a perfect day, despite PTSD.

You were having fun. All of a sudden the fear, the flashbacks, the avoidance and the panic of PTSD returns. Why now?

This is the question often asked by patients in clinic. There is a simple answer: panic frequently re-appears in PTSD.  When it does, it often reduces sufferers to jelly.

This often happens suddenly and without warning.  It is all to do with PTSD triggers – things that resemble or remind the brain of the original traumatic incident.

Big triggers and small triggers can both cause a massive panic response

Most people are aware of the big things connected with a trauma. Some people consciously make a list of things that were connected with the traumatic incident – these lists become their conscious trauma triggers.  They believe that they can then anticipate the ‘hot spots’ and take action to manage the uncomfortable scenarios. However, this doesn’t often work. The problem is, it’s the unconscious and unknown triggers that knock us off balance and onto our knees.

For example, Gill* is a successful career woman.  She was raped six months ago, on her way home from a nightclub. Gill is very aware of certain triggers: she is scared of being alone in town at night, particularly in a certain part of town.  She also jumps at the sight of a certain make of car, and freezes if she hears any door slam. 

Gill recalled that recently she was hosting a presentation at her gallery in Geneva.  All was well.  There were many high-profile clients attending. Naturally, she wanted to make a great impression.  Instead, she suddenly found her mind racing, her heart pounding, and a pressing desire to sprint right out of the room.

At that moment, she felt that her very survival depended on escaping. She lurched to the ladies room, where involuntary shaking gave way to floods of tears.  The presentation now seemed a threat. She was unable to regain her composure.  Instead, she called a friend to collect her and left by the back entrance.

Hidden PTSD triggers

It was the following week, during treatment, that she suddenly recalled that she had registered a strong smell of a particular masculine fragrance at the gallery presentation. She remembered that her attacker had smelt the same. She hadn’t been aware of that hidden piece of the jigsaw previously.

Suddenly it made sense: it had been an unconscious trigger, that had remained below consciousness until the evening of the presentation.  Now she is aware of a new trigger, she is able to use techniques learnt in therapy to tolerate her acute sense of fear.  She is able to use learnt strategies to reduce that trigger’s effect on her.

PTSD set-backs are temporary

The point is that, for as many triggers we are aware of, there are also just as many that remain out of range.  These are like rocks under the water. It is so important to recognise this fact.

It is tough to accept that, even where fantastic progress is made during treatment, there are likely to be temporary set-backs.  But these set backs are exactly that: temporary ones. This is the nature of PTSD.

*Client’s name and occupatiation has been changed due to client confidentiality.

Written by Dr Chrissie Tizzard, Chartered Consultant Psychologist, BSc, MSc, PsychD, C.Psychol, C.Sci, AFBPS. Find out about EMDR treatment for PTSD at Christine Tizzard Psychology here. 

Terror Attacks - Helping Kids Cope

It is every parent’s nightmare: despite your best attempts, somehow your 6-year-old daughter has learnt of recent terror attacks.

Is creativity boosted by depression or personality traits or both?

Is creativity boosted by depression or personality traits or both?

A Swedish study carried out in 2012 suggested depressed individuals might have the edge in the creativity stakes.

Great Poets such as Dickinson and Plath; seminal writers like Virginia Woolf and Hans Christian Anderson have been simultaneously lauded and devalued as being able to write better than most because of their poor mental health. A double edged sword perhaps.

The truth is creative writers are no more likely than the rest of the population to suffer from depression. The lived experience of depression is often a turning inwards on the self. It is a slowing of processes and a preoccupation. In a nutshell, a stuckness with one’s perception. This introspection and rumination can be a rich petrie dish environment in which to capture one’s deepest feelings, reflections and thoughts. If lucky these germs of creativity can develop into inspiring and poignant art, writing or poetry.

The cathartic outpouring or release from ‘the dark night of the soul’ can find its form in something of beauty.   In others this outpouring of emotion can be destructive and ugly.

 

It is perhaps a journey down a different track to suggest that Dickinson’s ‘Hope is the thing with feathers on’, and Plath’s Daddy might each have been successfully birthed without a veil of depression.  One might argue that both poet’s deep introspection and reflection added the extra quality of genius. Perhaps we come a little closer to reality when we explore another area of thought. Were these great contributors of literary legacy simply INFJ’s, (Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Judgement?) INFJ’s who at different times experienced poor mental health.

For those unfamiliar with Jungian theories and the Myers Briggs Personality Types. Different personality types/traits confer a distinct predisposition to certain behaviours. You can try the test at  www. humanmetrics.com.

The point is when we try to reduce things to an absolute conclusion, we limit the lens of possibility. All things look the same. We foreclose.  In narrowing the lens of possibility we risk killing our own creativity and intelligence and that of those around us. A growing of intelligence calls for an ability to consistently update hypotheses.  More now than at any other time.

Novelist Virginia Woolf committed suicide by drowning.

Poet Silvia Plath committed suicide.

Poet Emily Dickinson suffered from depression.

Fairy-tale author Hans Christian Andersen, who wrote The

Ugly Duckling and The Little Mermaid battled depression.

US author and journalist Ernest Hemingway, who wrote for Whom the Bell Tolls, had depression and killed himself with a shotgun

Author and playwright Graham Greene, who wrote the novel Brighton Rock, had bipolar disorder

 

The psychological needs of Syrian refugee children

The psychological needs of Syrian Refugee Children

The UK is committed to offering refuge to a number of Syrian child refugees. Some children are already being placed in foster care. This is the start of a process.  To be effective refuge must also include an ability to provide clinically appropriate treatment to these children.

Many will arrive having complex psychological needs.   These needs will not be assuaged simply by a warm and secure foster placement.  To think this is the case is naive. It is a daily source of frustration to try to provide and source services for the mental health needs of UK children. We will struggle to find treatment resources to meet the increased need. Difficulty is no excuse not to rise to a challenge. It is critical that we do develop resources. It is also critical that every country accepting child refugees does the same.

Demographics

Children under 18 account for over 50% of the displaced Syrian refugees with approximately 40% under 12 years old. Many will find themselves alone in a strange country.  It is crucial to understand the impact of these children’s experiences on their mental health. It is also important to grasp that the impact of these experiences if left untreated or treated wrongly will have on them.  These will be long term consequences on the children themselves and on wider society.

Many of the fleeing children have been caught in the crossfire of war.   Most have seen death at close range. Some have seen a parent killed. Others have become permanently separated from parents usually  in the chaos of fleeing conflict. In the UK it is hard to conceptualise this type of psychological trauma.

Research undertaken with refugee children identifies Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as by far the most prevalent condition that these children are coping with. PTSD requires timely diagnosis and specialist treatment. This is not merely a call for play therapy which in some cases may be extremely dangerous; cause escalating triggers and leave unaddressed the very nature of the trauma.  Depression and behavioural problems, including aggression and other social affective disorders are the next most common consequences of the conflict seen in children.  Responding to the psychological needs of refugee children calls for a necessary new and specialised paradigm in treatment.

There must be an emphasis placed on the early psychological assessment of children. This early screening is crucial to their immediate and ongoing needs.  Professionals having a duty of care must be trained in identifying PTSD symptoms in children of a different culture. Recognising trauma in displaced child refugees is more difficult than the identification of PTSD in the indigenous UK population. There is an absolute requirement for clinically robust PTSD treatment which is provided in a culturally congruent narrative.

It is a genuine challenge to provide effective treatment and to deliver such interventions using the skills of an interpreter. Effective treatment incorporates the childrens existing cultural experiences while subtly introducing UK culture.   It must be remembered that being suddenly immersed into another culture always causes difficulty for a child. Arriving traumatised and alone is another matter .

Treatment needs

It is of paramount that psychologists skilled in treating child post-traumatic stress are involved at an early stage following a child’s arrival in the UK. Treating PTSD is a specialised intervention. It is imperative that  there is a clear distinction made between psychological trauma and other emotional problems.

Summary

In addition to an emergency safe placement, child refugees require access to early specialised psychological screening and assessment protocols. They require an individualised statement of emotional needs.

 This process should be followed by the provision of skilled PTSD and/or other relevant treatment tailored to the individual child. There should also be ongoing monitoring and review.

Anything less and the warm notion of ‘refuge’ is reduced to a hollow word.

 

Dr Chrissie Tizzard is a Chartered Consultant Adult, Adolescent and Child Psychologist who specialises in the assessment and treatment of Post -Traumatic Stress Disorder and vicarious traumatisation across the lifespan. She has developed and ran training workshops throughout Europe since 2000 and continues to be a speaker at trauma conferences throughout the world. She also acts as a consultant to several Local Authorities.

 

 

 

 

 

Practical Steps for Preventing Suicide in a Mental Health Crisis

According to the Mental Health Foundation, 4,400 people in the United Kingdom end their life by suicide each year (at the time of writing, August 2014). Between 2003-2013, 18,220 people experiencing mental health issues in the UK took their own lives. Simply put, one person deliberately ends their life every two hours.  Alarmingly, at least ten times more people attempt suicide.

If you’re a family member caring for someone who feels suicidal, these statistics will feel particularly upsetting, but there are steps you can take to support a loved one experiencing suicidal thoughts.

Understanding Suicidal Thoughts

The reasons for suicide are many. The public’s perception of why people take their own life is largely incorrect, anecdotal and adds to a family’s reluctance to seek help during times of crisis.  People usually commit suicide because their emotional pain has become too severe for them to manage. They are unable to think of a positive solution to overcome their difficulties. Over time, despair escalates to the point that ‘not being here’ makes perfect sense to them.  The antecedents to this assumption may be depression, bereavement, battles with addiction and so forth.  Each person’s circumstances may vary, but all share the common view – but erroneous assumption – that life has become unmanageable and will not improve.

It’s easy for bystanders to recognise that the suicidal person’s perceptions are skewed, but to the desperate individual, their plan is often viewed as a personal victory.  They have found a way out.  When an individual’s thoughts or psychological schemas have developed in this way, urgent mental health assistance is required.

While it is always the decision of the individual whether or not to kill themselves, mental health services MUST respond to calls for assistance from vulnerable individuals who find themselves in crisis. Timely intervention often reverses suicidal ideation.

It is important that if you are living with a partner, child or family member who is descending into suicidal thoughts that you are able to obtain help and quickly.

Preventing Suicide in a Mental Health Crisis – Advice for Family and Friends

These four steps can be taken when you’re supporting a loved one in crisis:

1. The first step is to visit your GP. Request an urgent appointment. Be assertive, be polite but be firm. Once with your doctor, it is important to request an urgent psychiatric referral. In reality an urgent referral is usually not a fast enough response for an imminently suicidal patient. Even where medication is prescribed, often symptoms get worse before they get better. Family members need to be vigilant and get additional help quickly if needed (see points 3 and 4).   An appointment for a STEPPS referral is never an appropriate stand-alone intervention for a client actively considering suicide.
2. If a referral cannot be secured quickly, consider a private consultation with a consultant psychiatrist or chartered psychologist. There are a number of private hospitals and clinics that are able to offer appointments quickly. Do check the credentials of clinicians especially to ascertain they are registered with the appropriate regulating bodies.
3. If symptoms worsen, go to your nearest A and E in the day or night. There will be an on-duty mental health crisis team.
4. If you are concerned about threatening of violent behaviour to self or others, call the police. It may result in the individual being sectioned, but this will also result in fast treatment that may save a life.

It is important that the family of a suicidal patient recognise that their loved one is unlikely to have the capacity to advocate fully for themselves. In our experience, it is often a very difficult process to be fully heard by mental health services and often even more difficult to obtain treatment when in crisis.  Attention to these steps will improve the chance of recovery.

Written by Dr Chrissie Tizzard, Chartered Consultant Psychologist, BSc, MSc, PsychD, C.Psychol, C.Sci, AFBPs.  Dr Tizzard works with adults, children and families and is an experienced expert witness in criminal and family law. www.ctpsy.co.uk

 

 

Is it good or bad to praise the kids? It all depends on how it is done.

To praise or not to praise, that is the question.

Several research reports published recently have asserted that ‘overpraising’ children can actually set them up to fail. One such study carried out at Utrecht University in the Netherlands found that over exaggerated praise is well intended, but for. kids who have low self-esteem it can make them less confident. Eddie Brummelhein, a doctoral student at Utrecht, states that praise causes less confident children to believe that they must constantly achieve to a high level. Unfortunately, this belief actually stops those students trying new tasks in case they fail.

A similar study found that telling pupils they are clever before an examination can actually worsen their grades. The rationale is that in telling a student that they are bright can increase performance anxiety and fear of failure.

It is understandable that some parents are left feeling a little confused. Mums and Dads are left thinking do I or do I not praise my child? What is helpful encouragement and what is potentially damaging? So should you praise your child?
The answer is a resounding ‘Yes’. It is good to praise your child and to start praising them early. The guiding rule is that praise must be appropriate to the task accomplished. It must also be earned.

Exaggerated praise, however well-meaning is likely to eventually backfire. Too much praise and your child may acquire a tendency to give up early on tasks or to over inflate their skills. These behaviours could eventually result in underperformance, a lack of general efficacy and ultimately the Achilles syndrome, (the secret fear of failure.) Appropriate praise and encouragement on the other hand builds genuine self-esteem and self-confidence. Well-proportioned praise leads to self-belief.
The development of self-belief is essential for the concepts of stamina, perseverance and successful problem solving.

It is also the case that children are able to recognise when you are over egging the praise. When an adult gives exaggerated praise, children tend to think you are ‘bigging up’ their skills because they are really not good at something. Essentially praise that was meant to build esteem actually kills it stone dead. Some professionals assert that praise makes a child dependant on an adult and instead encourage parents to simply reflect back to the child what they have accomplished. ‘Oh you finished that puzzle’ rather than ‘well done for finishing the puzzle’. The belief being that the child will respond to ‘Oh you finished that puzzle’ with ‘I am clever’. This is potentially dangerous thinking. A young child needs to hear positive reinforcement to develop the ability to self-evaluate. They are unable to self-evaluate fully unless they are shown how to do this.

Many decades ago the Russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky in his seminal work on child development spoke of the zone of proximal development (ZPD) and the role that parents play in scaffolding or helping a child to extend their skills beyond their chronological age. Praise given correctly is a vital component in scaffolding a child’s emotional and physical development. This remains true.
The key is to provide appropriate and encouraging praise in a timely and proportioned manner. It is not overpraising every routine thing your child does. The most effective praise contains the message ‘you have done well and you have the potential to build on this’. Not, ‘you are fabulous’, the ‘cleverest’ and the ‘greatest star’, even if, like most parents you really believe they are.

References:

Vygotsky, L. S. (1978). Mind in society: The development of higher psychological processes (M. Cole, V. John-Steiner, S. Scribner & E. Souberman., Eds.) (A. R. Luria, M. Lopez-Morillas & M. Cole [with J. V. Wertsch], Trans.) Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press. (Original manuscripts [ca. 1930-1934])

Written by Dr Christine Tizzard Consultant Chartered Adult, Child and Adolescent Psychologist. Clinical Director Sheehan Brooke Psychology. Chichester. www.sheehanbrooke.org

Conscious Uncoupling

The term ‘conscious uncoupling’ is everywhere since Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin decided to separate.  But what does this trendy new term actually mean?

Many relationships end; it is a sad reality. Conscious uncoupling accepts a relationship has run its course. It accepts the myriad of difficult feelings that crash in at this time. In basic terms, conscious uncoupling simply means to practice emotional maturity and resilience.

To practice conscious uncoupling, couples make a positive commitment to close their relationship without causing further harm to each other, and especially to their children. This may not be easy – it takes genuine commitment and maturity. The following tips may help.

Five steps to achieve conscious uncoupling

1) Accept the relationship is over; do not dwell on who did what. If necessary, difficult feelings can be worked through in therapy. Adopt a helicopter stance – this means not descending into the territory of mudslinging. Instead, focus on the practicalities needed to design a new life for both of you. It is not about winning a war with your ex. It is about surviving now in order to thrive in future.

2) Be thankful for the positives that occurred in the relationship. The fact that it has gone sour does not remove or reduce the positive experiences that occurred along the way. Perhaps the end of the relationship is a sign that there are new challenges and opportunities for self-fulfilment ahead.

3) Make good decisions about the children, and don’t use the children to score points. When children are caught in the middle of a parental turf war, their emotional health is harmed, sometimes permanently. By consciously uncoupling, you are showing your children that difficult issues can be resolved without bitter dispute. This is very powerful modelling.

4) Accept that your relationship is over, but you remain parents to your children.

5) Consider using mediation and/or psychotherapy to enable progress when things get tough.

In essence, the term conscious uncoupling is an on-trend term for using emotional maturity during the divorce or separation process. The theory behind conscious uncoupling isn’t a passing fad – just a new description of the mature and emotionally intelligent way to work through the end of a relationship.

To find out more about family therapy with Christine Tizzard Psychology, click here.

Written by Dr Chrissie Tizzard, Chartered Consultant Psychologist, PsychD, BSc, MSc, C.Psychol, C.Sci, AFBPS. Dr Tizzard is the Clinical Director of Christine Tizzard Psychology (ctpsy.co.uk).