Grief affects us all, whether we like it or not, and whether we feel prepared for it or not, but a huge number of us have been affected by the loss of loved ones during the Covid-19 pandemic.
Talking about grief is important, and talking therapy can play a major part in this, but there will also be times when you don’t feel like talking at all, just listening, and this is when books can really help.
Mum’s Jumper, by Jayde Perkin
This book uses simple language and bold, colourful illustrations to explain what’s it’s like to lose your mum as a child. Each moment is explored, from hospital visits to finding out the news, attending the funeral, and learning to live without a parent around for those big and small life events.
Written as a first-person story, Mum’s Jumper is easy for children to relate to. The writer talks about emotions, but also the physical sensations of grief (‘my body ached, like I’d been swimming for days’). The publishers have also created notes for teachers, to help them use the book in lessons and with individual pupils who experience the death of a relative.
It’s Not Raining, Daddy, It’s Happy, by Benjamin Brooks-Dutton
Ben Brooks-Dutton’s blog, Life as a Widower, struck a chord with readers around the world; this book is an offline chance to connect to his writing and his messages to others dealing with bereavement. Ben was walking along the street with his wife, Desreen, and their two-year-old son, Jackson, when Desreen was struck and killed by a car in a shock accident in 2012.
This book also offers an honest perspective on being the lone parent of a bereaved child, being widowed at a young age, and also on the societal pressures of men to grieve differently to women.
Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving, by Julia Samuel
Those of you looking for a more practical guide than a memoir will find Grief Works invaluable. Author Julia Samuel is a psychotherapist who has spent several decades helping people deal with life’s difficulties, and this book focuses on our unpreparedness for death and grief – the fear that stops us accepting or normalising the issues at hand. As she puts it, ‘grief is work, extremely hard work’.
Packed with case studies, this book is full of useful information for the bereaved and those around them, including insight on coping with unexpected death, such as that of a child, and also on confronting your own mortality. There is also an accompanying app.
The Grief Survival Guide: How to Navigate Loss and All That Comes with It, by Jeff Brazier
The book is divided into chapters covering different grief circumstances, so it’s easy to dip in and out off. Jeff brings his own experience of parenting his two children through grief (his former partner, TV personality Jade Goody, died in 2009, leaving Jeff to raise their two young sons), and seeing his mother deal with the death of both her parents. He also draws on the many clients he has seen as a trained counsellor and life coach.
Like the other authors here, Jeff is keen for people to communicate their feelings of grief, but he is particularly interested in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), which is a type of therapy involving language and sensory perception. It is less popular than Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and is generally used for quick interventions.
Chase the Rainbow, by Poorna Bell
When Poorna Bell’s husband took his own life, she was – understandably – plunged into grief. However, this was an already complicated situation, as the couple had been going through a separation at the time, as her husband struggled with spiralling drug addiction he had kept hidden for years; an addiction that began as a way to self-medicate for depression. The layering of this grief is brilliantly explored in Chase the Rainbow.
Suicide is spoken about more openly these days than ever before, but the friends and family of those who complete suicide still face immense difficulty in processing their grief, and society still treats these deaths differently; for those left behind, it can feel as though they let down the person who died, and cycles of blame and negative self-talk can run riot. If you have lost a loved one to suicide or addiction, this book will really help you come to terms with what has happened.
The Madness of Grief, by the Reverend Richard Coles
The Reverend Richard Coles is a familiar and comforting presence on our TV screens and radios. Being a vicar, he is used to helping others with their grief and their reflections on death, but this memoir is a personal story of grief and becoming a widower. His partner, the Reverend David Coles, died just before Christmas 2019, aged just 43.
Suddenly, the Reverend Richard is confronted with an avalanche of ‘sadmin’ – the paperwork and procedures that are left to surviving close relatives when someone dies. The cause of the Reverend David Coles’ death isn’t revealed until some way into the book, so we won’t share details here, but you don’t need to have lost a loved one in the same way to appreciate The Madness of Grief. Rather than looking back years later, the book covers the period between the death and the funeral, when feelings are most raw.
The Adult Orphan Club: How I Learned to Grieve the Loss of My Parents, by Flora Baker
Losing both parents during your own childhood is undeniably traumatic, but what happens when you lose them in adulthood? Why don’t we talk about the pain of becoming an adult orphan? Flora Baker, who became an orphan aged 29, explores this complex and often overlooked topic.
Flora looks at the immediate fallout after death, the practical tasks and legal issues you should know about, support networks, the potential of therapy, and much more. The Adult Orphan Club also has useful advice on how to communicate with someone whose parents have both died, and how to cope with this double bereavement in the long-term.
If you have any book recommendations that should be added to our list, please let us know via Twitter.
Of course, if you are grieving and would like to explore talking therapy with a professional psychologist, we are here to help. We have a range of therapy options which can be tailored to your needs, and we treat children as well as adults; family therapy is also available.
Written by guest contributor Polly Allen for Dr Chrissie Tizzard, Chartered Consultant Psychologist, PsychD, BSc, MSc, C.Psychol, C.Sci, AFBPS. Dr Tizzard is the Clinical Director of Christine Tizzard Psychology (ctpsy.co.uk).